You just cannot make this stuff up!

October 14, 2009 at 2:19 am 19 comments

I get back from my absolutely fabulous Dominican vacation and a girlfriend is practically falling all over herself to tell me a story.

Side note: whenever anyone hears anything remotely related to adoption, I am immediately tracked down and told about it… almost as if I might know the people in question. You know, how all adoptive parents or pap’s or adoptees or first moms must know each other.

Anyhoo, back to the story:

Girlfriend sees gorgeous little Chinese girl in Zellers (Like Target for you Americans) with her white parents. Again, I should note that when anyone sees Chinese girls (regardless of whether or not they are adopted), friends and family become immediately entranced and tell me all the ways they imagine that she could mine.

Well… girlfriend cannot help herself and goes up to mom and comments on daughter’s beauty to which the mom of course smiles and says thank you. Little girl is about 4 and girlfriend tells the mom all about her friend (me) who is also adopting from China and preceeds to tell mom about the long wait and blah, blah.

Mom (looking confused): That’s nice but my daughter isn’t adopted.

Friend (also confused) and apologizes thinking that maybe the man that was with them at Zellers wasn’t the dad or he was the step dad or whatever.

Little girl (claps her hands): I was born in China, right daddy?

Mom was uncomfortable and motions for dad to take little girl away to look at jewellery or something.

Mom (upset): We don’t announce to strangers that she is adopted.

Friend: I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset anybody, it’s just my friend…

Mom: It’s okay. Yes, she’s adopted but for now we think it’s best that we keep things simple  and not dwell on it.

Friend: (Not getting it). But she knows she was born in China…

Mom: Well yes. We told her that the reason she doesn’t look like us is because she was born in China. If you are born in China, you look Chinese. We can add in the adopted part later.

I asked my friend if she was bullshitting me with this as there’s just no way anyone could think they could get away with this.

True story,” she said. “I swear on my Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream.”

Swear on her beloved ice cream? Yep, she means business.


Entry filed under: Adoption.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians!!! “I’m not no racist… I let blacks use my bathroom and everything…”

19 Comments Add your own

  • 1. 3D  |  October 14, 2009 at 2:35 am

    See me…that is me with my mind blown away!

    Not f’ing real!

    Keep smilin!

  • 2. lajast  |  October 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    They should start saving money NOW for her future therapy. Yikes.

  • 3. madduchess  |  October 14, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    I immediately laughed at the absurdity and then I became concerned as it really isn’t funny… especially not for that little girl. People can be so stupid.

  • 4. Cavatica  |  October 14, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Holy moly, people really are stupid! That poor girl. They outright said, “my daughter is not adopted”, but they plan to tell her this later? Clearly being adopted is a terrible stigma to them. This is very sad. Holy moly, this is a family who should not have been allowed to adopt if they see it so badly. This child may come to not believe a thing these idiots say to her!

  • 5. madduchess  |  October 14, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    I agree, Cavatica. I still wonder how some people pass home studies. Our SW was very thorough and diligent but I guess some just want to get paid.

  • 6. Cavatica  |  October 14, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Is it possible that they got through the home study without it coming up? Or some SWs take the view that all families are different and kids can adjust to anything. I do wonder when I read stories like this one.

    • 7. madduchess  |  October 14, 2009 at 7:05 pm

      I suppose, though I remember our SW asking us many, many times how we plan to discuss her adoption with her and with others. I can’t imagine her being cool with our explanation that she looks Chinese because she was born in China and completely neglect the fact that she was adopted.

  • 8. dawn  |  October 14, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    People lie in homestudies ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I just can’t believe the crazy.

    • 9. madduchess  |  October 15, 2009 at 2:33 am

      Hi Dawn, I am beginning to see that as well. Our SW was very, very thorough and frank and sometimes it even felt like we were being interrogated by the FBI, so I just assumed everyone approached it the same way. I guess not. Or maybe their SW did and the parents were just armed with some great lies.

  • 10. Heather  |  October 15, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Wow. Just…wow.

    Since when did outright lying to your children become an acceptable parenting approach?

    • 11. madduchess  |  October 15, 2009 at 2:34 am

      Hi Heather, no answer for you I am afraid, as I never realized there would be people who would think this is normal, natural or even sane.

  • 12. The Gang's Momma  |  October 15, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Oy. I mean, I can see if the a-mom doesn’t want to discuss their personal family-building journey with a stranger (aka your friend). I get kinda tired of the inquiries from well-meaning strangers in WalMart and the grocery store.

    BUT to then openly admit to same said stranger that they don’t talk ’bout it to their daughter?! That’s all kinds of wrong. On so many fronts. That poor daughter. And really, poor parents, too. In the long run, I mean. They will be so sad for the missed opportunities for deeper more real relationship with their girly that this decision is creating.

    And the rush to tell you all about the adoption issues your friends encounter in their daily travels? I get that! My mom and my sisters do the same thing – from them, it’s cute and sweet and I’m so glad that they are reaching for ways to connect and assimilate what they know. But it still cracks me up. Like I’m in some secret club that they know they aren’t a part of but someone told them some of the lesser secrets and they “kinda” feel some sense of membership.

  • 13. Mara  |  October 15, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    Nut jobs are allowed to adopt-as long as they have CASH.

  • 14. Mei-Ling  |  October 15, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    … um, well. I really don’t know what to say.

    She’s FOUR? And they NEVER discuss it, ever?
    Oh boy.

    They’re in for a long journey.

  • 15. madduchess  |  October 16, 2009 at 12:15 am

    It’s nine kinds of crazy at least.

    It makes me mad and very, very sad for this little girl.

  • 16. Tonggu Momma  |  October 16, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    This is me with my head exploding.

    But it makes me think of a day when our family of three was at a grocery store and the checker, herself an adoptee, asked us if we would tell the Tongginator if she was adopted. The Husband looked at me, then the checker, then our daughter, then back to the checker and said, “We’ve already told her. Many times. But, even if we hadn’t, I think she’d figure it out at some point.” Umm… ya think?!?!!!!

    • 17. madduchess  |  October 16, 2009 at 5:57 pm

      Wow, I am wondering if the checker wasn’t told until later then. It seems nutso to me not to tell a child they were adopted, regardless of whether or not they are the same race as their parents. Just tell them, for pete’s sake.

  • 18. Holly  |  October 19, 2009 at 2:36 am

    Wow. I mean Wow. I can’t even put into words how WRONG I think this is. Is adoption a dirty word or a shameful concept? WHY?!?!? I can honestly say that even if we adopted a child from next door who looked JUST like my husband and or me…we would STILL tell him/her his/her adoption story…just like we did with our son from China…even when he was too young to really get it.
    We showed him pictures and told him what we know of his story.
    It is nothing to be ashamed of!! It is a perfectly normal and legitimate way to become part of a family! And oh my, if we waited until he was old enough to figure it out on his own, like this poor little girl…can you imagine the TRUST issues we’d have? I just can’t fathom WHY parents would choose to keep something like that a secret…most especially with a child not of their own race.
    I sure hope someone reaches their common sense button before any more damages are done!!

  • 19. Alyson  |  October 24, 2009 at 11:32 am

    No ones needs a sanity test or an intelligence test or parent test whether adopting or birthing children. Amazing what people think. Yes,save money for all the trauma that will come later!

    Alyzabeth’s Mommy for One Year


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