These people are parents

After getting out some aggression on what I consider “bad parents”, I wanted to share a story about an awesome couple who I believe embody what it means to be parents.

In early 2007, a mere four months after receiving our much anticipated LID for China, MadHatter and I attended a casual get-together with our agency comprised of PAP’s as well as been-there-done-that parents. We would get to mingle and ask questions, share our joy and excitement and anxiety and listen to beautiful stories from AP’s that would no doubt fill our hearts with love and I’d be shedding many, many happy tears.

In 2007, that’s where my head and heart was at in this journey. Everything was illuminated. Adoption was beautiful and filled with heart warming truths of love and home and family. Sure there could/would be bumps in the road but everything could/would be fixed with love and humour and dilligence.

And for the first 1 1/2 hours, we got our desired fill of AWESOMENESS. Beautiful, healthy babies placed in the arms of excited parents perfectly prepared to lavish their child with love like they have never seen. The warnings that did come seemed simple to handle (bring scabies meds, baby may scream at sight of men, baby may want nothing to do with you at first) and would all work themselves out.

We were all aglow.

Then the last couple got up to speak and I was disturbed by the look on their faces. They were not beaming. They were not spouting platitudes of “all is right with the world and adoption is practically perfect.” I didn’t know what was coming but I was sure that I probably didn’t want to hear it.

But I would also never forget it.

This couple, like us, were filled with immense joy and excitement over the prospect of adopting a daughter from China when they received their referral in 2003. They arrived in China full of the same anticipation and anxiety as everyone else and had been carrying their referral picture everywhere to the point of it becoming crumpled and worn. No matter, they were soon going to meet their daughter in the flesh.

The most exquisitely beautiful baby girl was placed in their arms. They felt the love immediately and intensely. But something was wrong. This little girl looked nothing like the picture. And her name was different.

So they inquired… and received the devastating news that the little girl that had been originally matched with them had been diagnosed with end-stage brain cancer. She was not expected to live out the month.

They were crushed. They asked if they could see her. The officials were shocked and made some excuses but ultimately their wish was granted and they got to meet the little girl they had fallen in love with and gaze upon the face they recognized immediately.

They requested to adopt her. All around shock followed by “NO. NO. NO.” Besides she would not live long enough to finish the adoption proceedings and a visa would not be issued for a dying child.

They could have walked away. This innocent little girl would not have known the difference. They could go back to their comfy hotel with their new, healthy baby girl and go about their lives in sheer happiness.

They did not.

They requested that they be allowed to remain with her for the duration of her life. Again this was met with NO. But this couple plead their case and agreed to incur all expenses, including funeral and burial arrangements.

Officials relented and they received an extended visa to remain in China to be with their two little girls: one they had officially adopted and another they were not allowed to adopt, however, legalities would not stop them for calling her their daughter and being with her in the time she had left.

Sadly she died within three weeks, but she was not alone. For those miserable three weeks she (hopefully) felt the love of a family. Her parents wept over her and carry her with them always.

When asked how many children they have, they always respond: “Two”; but sadly their elder daughter died.

The daughter they were allowed to adopt tells everyone that she had a big sister who died in China but that she still loves her and thinks about her and hopes she is happy now.

At the end of their story, almost all of us were in tears… allowing the harsh realities of this world to seep in and mingle amongst the uphoria.

One hopeful parent asked why they would have put themselves through that.

They responded in absolute earnest: “Because we were her parents.”

That’s it. That’s all. They were her parents.

You bet they were.

The bitch is back :((((((((((((((((((

Gaining sympathy and understanding and money and fame and attention from a North American audience was not enough for Anita Tedaldi. Oh no… she has now taken her pathetic, arrogant, puke fest across the ocean.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/21/adoption-anita-tedaldi

ME ME ME ME ME. That is the theme behind this story. SHE wanted to adopt. SHE gave “Dan” soooooo much love and he rejected HER. HER husband and children were indifferent but SHE soldiered on like a good mother. It broke HER heart to give him up. SHE hopes he will realize that SHE did the best SHE could.

The pic of her surrounded by her loving children just adds to my heavy dislike of this so-called “mother.” “See look, my kids love me and are hugging me and are smiling at me… all evidence that I am awesome and the problem was solely with Dan.”

Add on the fact that her forthcoming book will no doubt be a HUGE bestseller… well it is very, very depressing.

I must admit though that while my outrage lays solely at the feet of this opportunist, I am feeling an increasing amount of frustration over “Dan’s” new parents. WHY are they not doing something about this “legal stranger” spreading their child’s personal story all around the town. “Dan” is no longer a Tedaldi. Surely there must be something they can do to stop this. Some kind of privacy laws.

But then again, maybe they are doing someting and nothing could be done, I don’t know. If they cannot stop her from publishing this autrocity then is there perhaps a way to assure that the proceeds from telling HIS story will go into a trust fund for HIM?

Again, I don’t know. OR, his new parents may not have any problems with this trek into self absorbtion. Maybe they are more interested in raising their child then getting involved in any kind of legal battle that will inevitably draw more attention to Tedaldi (obviously something she deeply craves) OR they believe she is a wonderful person who made the right decision (after all they are the happy recipients of her “change of heart”).

I don’t know much about legalities. What I do know is that if Anita Tedaldi had decided that she wasn’t bonding with one of her beautiful biological daughters and made a plan to give her away, there wouldn’t be any applauding and pats on the pack and outpouring of understanding and compassion… no ma’am, Anita Tedaldi would be running through the streets wondering how the town folk got the pitch forks so fast.

Potential adoption situations that give me the dry heaves

Like begging strangers on the internet for monies to bring your daughter home from China… via ebay.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Help-us-bring-home-our-daughter-Adoption_W0QQitemZ250531893900QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item3a54dd528c

Some believe this may just be bullshit and someone’s pathetic attempt at satire, and 2 years ago I would have believed that. But since then I have seen many distrubing attempts to illicit sympathy and cash from bystanders who see the wide doe eyes and beautiful face of an innocent child without a family and wish to help her adoptive parents bring her home to a utopian life in North America.

PAP’s and AP’s (myself included) often become irritated when we are barraged with comments about “doing the right thing” namely giving up our desire to parent and using all of our money to financially support a family staying together. Charity and wanting to parent are mutually exclusive concepts with their own merits. But then why do some PAP’s think they can turn around and ASK others for money to adopt? Especially since I am fairly certain that these potential AP’s have a nice house and car and at least some money in the bank or they would never have passed the homestudy in the first place.

This little girl has special needs and is 4 years old, so perhaps she was harder to place and would greatly benefit from a loving family. I am most certainly not denying that. But the people denying her that chance are NOT those who refuse to give money to this puke fest, but in fact her ill-prepared potential adoptive parents are the main obstacle to her being adopted. Why DON’T they have the money?

You don’t submit your dossier to China on Tuesday and receive a referral by Thursday… not even for the special needs program. Yes, it is much faster than the mainstream program but still there would be enough time to get the money together, either by saving or refinancing your home or using credit cards. OR they should NOT have started the process until they had the money.

My agency and social worker and provincial ministry went over our finances with a fine tooth comb and it was made pretty clear that we could not adopt unless we could prove we could pay for it. We did.

So how did these people sneak through?

This is just another example of people making choices based on what they want while expecting others to secure they get it.

Might I suggest a second job? They always need sober department store Santa’s this time of year.

She’s an innocent little girl, not a puppy or rare dolly you just gotta have. But our drive-thru, credit card, have-it-here-in-2-days-or-less culture promises us that we can have what we want without waiting to ensure that we have the means to provide what we promise.

P.S. I particulary love the “free shipping” over the little girl’s picture. I wonder if they have a “no returns” policy as well ((((((((

———————————————————————————————-

UPDATE: It looks like ebay removed this offensive junk… YAY!!

What answer would be good enough?

As a PAP, I frequent many adoption-related forums, chat groups, blogs, etc. From the PAP POV, I enjoy reading stories from been-there-done-that adoptive parents and getting insight into how they raise their children; what does and does not work; etc. I have never been a parent before so I find these insights from those in the trenches to be invaluable.

Every now and then I come across a comment or a question or a musing from an adoptive parent or PAP that wishes to know more about the experience of being an adoptee (considering they are raising one) and so off they go to scour the internet determined to soak up some wisdoms from adult adoptees.

But… they are often quite shocked at what they find: anger, pain, isolation, confusion, frustration and a gammut of other emotions that tend to breed in a situation that is not natural… yet these well-intentioned PAP’s and AP’s obviously just assumed that having a family that loved them would override any feelings of abandonment, loss, grief or being treated like a “forever child” in the eyes of the government.

So what are we left with? The assumptions are these adoptees are bonkers, buckets of crazy, self pitying and other derogatory and dismissive adjectives that are so much easier and comfy to latch onto than examining why they may feel this way in the first place.

A typical question might be: “Why do you hate adoption so much?”

But what I have sadly found is while the question may have been asked in earnest (at least initially), I remain unconvinced that any answer (short of, I loves me some adoption) would have been good enough.

1st adoptee offers very valid reasons for disliking adoption: loss of identity, genetic mirroring, feelings of abandonment, etc… but then follows it up with “but I love my adoptive parents.” The consensus becomes “well, she is a brat who is completely self absorbed and thinks the world owes her something… I sure feel sorry for her parents.”

2nd adoptee states the same good reasons, plus adds on that her parents wouldn’t allow her to talk about her adoption or first mom or ignored her losses and used emotional manipulation to keep adoptee for searching for her roots. The consensus then becomes “well, it’s not adoption you should be mad at; your parent’s made mistakes and you’d feel differently about adoption if they had been more open.”

3rd adoptee states all-of-the-above, plus reveals the sad fact that she was abused by her adoptive parents. “WELL, you hate adoption because you were abused… you had very bad parents… so it’s not adoption that failed you, it was your parents.”

4th adoptee says that she isn’t buying this whole primal wound theory, has always felt like she belonged in her adoptive family. They are her REAL parents and she has no  interest in searching for her original family. The consensus: “This is a young lady who’s going places; she was raised right and looks at the positive in life instead of being mired in self pity over things she can’t change.”

Mind you, not all conversations are like this, but I believe they are the majority and it leaves me thinking that if an adoptee states that adoption has not been the land of milk and honey that it supposedly promised, then what explanation for their feelings would be seen as valid?

Feel isolated or abandoned or not a part of the adoptive family = self pitying who doesn’t know how could she has it = I will make sure MY child doesn’t feel this way.

Parents ignored my questions about my first family = bad parenting = I will ALWAYS be open to my child’s questions so she will not feel this way.

Abuse = evil parents who should never have been allowed to be parents = I will NEVER abuse my child so she has NO reason to be angry over being adopted.

All followed with standard disclaimers: “You don’t speak for all adoptees. Many are just fine. My ex-boyfriend’s scuba instructor was adopted and he’s in a good place. Adoption is different now you know…”

I guess my point is why bother asking the question if you have no real desire to hear the answer: unless of course they are all like adoptee #4.

Everyone has their experiences, which I think makes all advice and thoughts immediately valid as we are the experts of our own lives. I have thoughts based on my life and choices and while others may not agree with my views, they are still mine and valid for my life.

I think AP’s and PAP’s SHOULD be asking questions but they should also be prepared to hear the answers and not waste time looking for other reasons as to why they feel the way they do.

They just told you why.

If it keeps you up at night, I suggest you spend more time trying to understand your desperation to change the feelings of strangers.

Like many AP’s have said: “My child doesn’t feel this way…”

Are you sure?

Grossly inaccurate… and just gross!

On my post “why lies can and will cost you everything”, I have been reading the comments between Carla (the first mom) and Cathy, an adoptive mom with an interest in the case.

There has been some back and forth but I have stayed out of it as I have found it quite interesting to read these diverse perspectives, however, I just had to stop and pick my jaw off the floor when Cathy provided this little snippet (emphasis in bold is mine):

“It is unhealthy for all and you need to be counseled to come to turns with the adoption, as do your two daughters, who, by the way, are NOT Peri’s sisters)….adoption means Peri is blood relative to her adoptive parents and the blood relations cease”

I am sorry Cathy, but this is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard and spits in the face of the very basics of human biology. Yes, Peri is related to her adoptive parents, but that is a LEGALITY. Now, that does not diminish their relationship or make it any less viable then if she belonged to them by blood, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Peri is not a blood relation to the Englert’s: never was, never will be. Peri IS, WAS and ALWAYS shall be the blood relation of her mother and her two sisters. To try and claim otherwise is insanity, not to mention offensive, not only to Carla, Charlie, Alpha and Echo, but to Peri as well. It is denying a piece of her. Peri IS their sister.

And, deep down the Englert’s know this, which IMO, is the reason they tried to denegrade the relationship. Those who are unafraid of blood bonds have no reason to deny them.

Most secure people would welcome more love and family into their child’s life. No one has been damaged by too much love.

And as for who will be begging who for forgiveness… well, I believe the only one who should be hearing any pleas for mercy will be Peri. SHE is the victim… not any of the adults in this case.

And my only concern is how this little girl is going to be able to wrap her head around the fact that so much hatred stemmed from people just wanting to love her.

Kids understand their world more than anyone gives them credit for. They can love more than one set of parents or siblings or grandparents… I am sure, if anyone bothered to ask Peri she would not understand the reason for any of this. She would probably shrug her little shoulders and tell everyone to get a grip: that she can love everyone… regardless if they share blood.

When it comes to love and relationships, kids know the score.

It’s adults that have to fuck it all up.

Adopting beyond good intentions

Last week’s In Touch Magazine had an interview with actress (and fellow Canadian) Malin Akerman (Watchmen, Couples Retreat), which led inevitably to questions about mommyhood and she said:

“I would love to have biological children but I also would love to adopt. Probably from Africa. With all of the starving children and orphans how could you not want to help. Why would you not want to help?”

Why wouldn’t you help? Indeed. It’s a wonderful thought, isn’t it? Providing a home and a family to a child that doesn’t have one and sharing with them the wealth and the comfort and the opportunities that Western living promises in abundance.

The intention I am sure is noble and lovely and kind… and would make you feel like a good person who is making an honest-to-gosh difference. Forget about the charity drives and volunteering or writing cheques for causes… adopting is the real deal, the ultimate in public service. You would be giving back.

And everyone would see it… and know it.

So what’s the problem, you say: everyone wins. A child gets out of a third-world shit hole and enjoys great food, clean water, designer duds, satellite TV and an iPhone at Christmas. And adults become parents to a child who will undoubtably come to realize that they hit the jackpot and will be the child all other parents secretly covet and compare their own little treasures to “now there’s a kid who knows the score.”

The problem is that altruism ultimately asks little of you in the long term. Writing a cheque to help buy books for the local library will garner you applause and good cheer but it isn’t taxing on your time or emotions. A library doesn’t have questions or wonder what would have happened to it if you hadn’t rode up on your white horse. It asks nothing of you.

Adopting as a good deed or a way to help those less fortunate is a road with a lot of thorns, as it fails to recognize that the recipient of these good works (the adoptee) may not always see your intentions as good enough. Your intentions can’t answer questions or fill holes or dull the pain.

Adopting under these circumstances cannot prepare you to see beyond those intentions… meaning that not only are you ill prepared to handle all the overwhelming details that go into parenthood, but add on the layer of a child who just might not be jumping for joy they were adopted… and you are lost.

Imagine your frustration: you spent all that time and money and energy on specifically adopting an orphan from a third-world country who had little food, was developmentally delayed and neglected and looking forward to a series of fresh hells if they aged out without family protection in these god forsaken lands… and this is the thanks you get. A child in pain over being abandoned, adopted, in a cultural no-man’s land, unsure of which world they belong in.

So, Madduchess, you think you’re so great, why don’t you tell us the right reason to adopt?

Why thank you, I shall. In my humble opinion, the one and only reason people should adopt is because they wish to be parents. Period. No saving the world one orphan at a time. No bringing unfortunate third-world folk to North America to show them the “right way to live.” No adopting because God told you it’s the right thing to do. No adopting out of “special interest.”

Adopting is a legal act. It may take years for everything to be finalized but it is finite. Parenting is not. It is for life. Parenting isn’t impressed with your altruistic cache. It asks EVERYTHING of you and when you think you’ve given everything of yourself  that’s left to give… well, it asks for seconds.

I have witnessed many an awesome mom have a mini breakdown in the basement as they hide from their kids, to know this is true. Regardless of whether they planned their conceptions or adopted, these moms wanted the titles very badly and even they are often exhausted at the daily demands of mommyhood (though they also assure me they wouldn’t change it for anything), so I can barely imagine moms and dads coping who didn’t really look at adoption from a parenting percpective that involved anything less than wonderment and gratitude and instant bonding.

I don’t want it to appear like I am bashing people who genuinely wish to make a difference in this world. I am not. Frankly there are not enough of you. However, I do strongly believe that some things need to be separated from charity… and adoption (IMO) is at the top of the list.

There are many, many ways you can help children in third-world orphanages other than adopting. The Red Cross, World Vision, Half The Sky (to name but a few). Many orphanages are thrilled to receive care packages… and while China does not welcome this, there are some nations who are quite  eager to have Westerners come to their communities and help their struggling people.

If you wish to help: then help. Donate your time and your money and your energy. It is sorely needed.

If you wish to parent: then I welcome you on the PAP trail. There are plenty of resources available to you (on the internet alone) to help you be the best parent for your child you can be… from learning your child’s native language to boning up on cultural identity to discovering paths that may make it possible to keep your child’s roots alive and in their daily lives.

In fact, there is so much information available to PAP’s right now that there really is no excuse. Good intentions may help you become a mom, but they can’t help you parent.

“I’m not no racist… I let blacks use my bathroom and everything…”

Perhaps I should have called this: “Douche Bags in Positions of Power.”

After reading this article it makes me wonder about his stance on adopting transracially. I mean, it’s clearly myopic to think that all couples will only be having biological children. You’d think in order to ensure “the races don’t mix” he’d ask the couples if they have any plans to adopt or would even consider adopting… and if so, would they try and adopt outside of their own race. I wonder if he’d refuse to marry them on the grounds they’d be raising “one of those… ewwwwww.”

And what if you are biracial and wish to marry? Are you just screwed? Cause you know you are not completely white or black or indian or asian. No worries, a life of quiet solitude is just as fulfilling.

DOUCHE!!!!

w.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/15/interracial-couple-denied_n_322784.html

NEW ORLEANS — A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Bardwell said he asks everyone who calls about marriage if they are a mixed race couple. If they are, he does not marry them, he said.

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

“There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage,” Bardwell said. “I think those children suffer and I won’t help put them through it.”

If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said.

“I try to treat everyone equally,” he said.

Bardwell estimates that he has refused to marry about four couples during his career, all in the past 2 1/2 years.

Beth Humphrey, 30, and 32-year-old Terence McKay, both of Hammond, say they will consult the U.S. Justice Department about filing a discrimination complaint.

Humphrey, an account manager for a marketing firm, said she and McKay, a welder, just returned to Louisiana. She is white and he is black. She plans to enroll in the University of New Orleans to pursue a masters degree in minority politics.

“That was one thing that made this so unbelievable,” she said. “It’s not something you expect in this day and age.”

Humphrey said she called Bardwell on Oct. 6 to inquire about getting a marriage license signed. She says Bardwell’s wife told her that Bardwell will not sign marriage licenses for interracial couples. Bardwell suggested the couple go to another justice of the peace in the parish who agreed to marry them.

“We are looking forward to having children,” Humphrey said. “And all our friends and co-workers have been very supportive. Except for this, we’re typical happy newlyweds.”

“It is really astonishing and disappointing to see this come up in 2009,” said American Civil Liberties Union of Louisiana attorney Katie Schwartzmann. She said the Supreme Court ruled in 1967 “that the government cannot tell people who they can and cannot marry.”

The ACLU sent a letter to the Louisiana Judiciary Committee, which oversees the state justices of the peace, asking them to investigate Bardwell and recommending “the most severe sanctions available, because such blatant bigotry poses a substantial threat of serious harm to the administration of justice.”

“He knew he was breaking the law, but continued to do it,” Schwartzmann said.

According to the clerk of court’s office, application for a marriage license must be made three days before the ceremony because there is a 72-hour waiting period. The applicants are asked if they have previously been married. If so, they must show how the marriage ended, such as divorce.

Other than that, all they need is a birth certificate and Social Security card.

The license fee is $35, and the license must be signed by a Louisiana minister, justice of the peace or judge. The original is returned to the clerk’s office.

“I’ve been a justice of the peace for 34 years and I don’t think I’ve mistreated anybody,” Bardwell said. “I’ve made some mistakes, but you have to. I didn’t tell this couple they couldn’t get married. I just told them I wouldn’t do it.”

Noooooooooooooo way, jose!!!!

Like I said in my previous post, whenever anyone hears anything even remotely linked to adoption, they seek me out to tell me all about it. They assume that A. I know the people involved. B. I already know about it and therefore have formed a passionate opinion. C. I can do something about  it.

Some are even of the opinion that I have some power simply because I am adopting. Meaning that my PAP status can help someone else adopt. Like maybe I can make a phone call and get the ball rolling or I can put a good word in and you’ll have a baby by Tuesday.

Example: a friend of a friend would like to adopt. We’ll call her… asshat. Actually I believe the exact words asshat used (when referring to their choice to adopt) were “might as well…” She and her husband have been trying for little over 2 years and they are just done and want a kid post haste. They are tired of going to the company Christmas party as a twosome. Apparently the free gifties are sweeter if you’ve got a kid.

This may sound caustic and mean but believe me I am being kind. The bare bones of the facts are: I wouldn’t allow these people to take care of my collection of pet rocks. They suck in so, so, so many ways.

I can’t stand asshat. Asshat can’t stand me. But she wants my help to “get a baby.” She even generously offered to “take one of them Orientals like you’re getting.”

She wants me to put a good word in with China. Apparently “China” is a person that I can just call. I mean, hey, I have been waiting almost 3 years but I am sure one phone call from me and they’ll push her straight to the front of the line.

What I don’t understand is I have never seen any evidence that asshat even likes children. She’s always said they are annoying and loud and messy.

Now you might be thinking: “Gee, Madduchess, you are being slightly judgemental, I didn’t like kids all that much until I became a mom…”

Let me give you another example of her non-motherliness:

In the summer, my girlfriend took her 2 kids to the beach and brought asshat along with her. My friend’s son is 2 and he was playing in the sand. Being 2, he thought it would be funny to kick sand on her bare feet. Well, this was a declaration of war, as asshat retaliated by kicking sand in his 2-year-old face. He was stunned but didn’t cry as he thought they were just playing. So once again he kicked sand at her feet. What did she do? 34-year-old asshat lunged at 2-year-old boy. Luckily mama saw this and managed to knock asshat on her ass before she got her psycho hands on little boy.

Other tidbits of crazydom: She and her husband call the cops on each other for domestic violence (though they never press charges). She starts bar fights. She’s threatened my sister with a broken beer bottle. She is always boasting that she’s going to kick someone’s ass if they “look at her funny.”

Asshat also likes to comment on other’s parenting skills. Apparently everyone sucks. Her kid will be so well behaved. Her kid will be quiet. Her kid will do what they are told. Her kid will be respectful.

If her kid ever kicks sand at her on the beach they’ll get a karate chop to the jugular.

And she wants my help to adopt.

And just what would I say as a recommendation? Hmmm, she’s just like Mary Poppins… on opposite day.

Asshat wants me to place a call to my social worker and my agency and then of course make that ever important call to China where “China” is just sitting by the phone in a state of cat-like readiness awaiting calls from PAP’s and wannabe PAP’s.

Rest assured I said that I’d have to get a call from Satan himself telling me that he was sharpening his ice skates before I helped her get her Cruella Deville claws in an innocent baby. In fact, I said I would call my SW… to warn her. I would like to take a picture of asshat and hang it in every adoption agency across the land with a big sticker that says: DENIED in 80-point type.

So I guess I do have some power in adopto-land… I can refuse to help asshats adopt.

You just cannot make this stuff up!

I get back from my absolutely fabulous Dominican vacation and a girlfriend is practically falling all over herself to tell me a story.

Side note: whenever anyone hears anything remotely related to adoption, I am immediately tracked down and told about it… almost as if I might know the people in question. You know, how all adoptive parents or pap’s or adoptees or first moms must know each other.

Anyhoo, back to the story:

Girlfriend sees gorgeous little Chinese girl in Zellers (Like Target for you Americans) with her white parents. Again, I should note that when anyone sees Chinese girls (regardless of whether or not they are adopted), friends and family become immediately entranced and tell me all the ways they imagine that she could mine.

Well… girlfriend cannot help herself and goes up to mom and comments on daughter’s beauty to which the mom of course smiles and says thank you. Little girl is about 4 and girlfriend tells the mom all about her friend (me) who is also adopting from China and preceeds to tell mom about the long wait and blah, blah.

Mom (looking confused): That’s nice but my daughter isn’t adopted.

Friend (also confused) and apologizes thinking that maybe the man that was with them at Zellers wasn’t the dad or he was the step dad or whatever.

Little girl (claps her hands): I was born in China, right daddy?

Mom was uncomfortable and motions for dad to take little girl away to look at jewellery or something.

Mom (upset): We don’t announce to strangers that she is adopted.

Friend: I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset anybody, it’s just my friend…

Mom: It’s okay. Yes, she’s adopted but for now we think it’s best that we keep things simple  and not dwell on it.

Friend: (Not getting it). But she knows she was born in China…

Mom: Well yes. We told her that the reason she doesn’t look like us is because she was born in China. If you are born in China, you look Chinese. We can add in the adopted part later.

I asked my friend if she was bullshitting me with this as there’s just no way anyone could think they could get away with this.

“True story,” she said. “I swear on my Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream.”

Swear on her beloved ice cream? Yep, she means business.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians!!!

Things I am thankful for:

1. My family – they are crazy, vulgar, overwhelming, funny, generous and loving.

2. My husband – who loves me unconditionally, makes me laugh like no one else and is my own personal Batman… oh and he’s crazy hot

3. My friends – I have a very small circle of folks that I consider friends and they are wonderful and supportive and appreciate my warped sense of humour.

4. My talents. My humour. My quirks. My dysfunctions. I have grown to appreciate my “unusualness.”

5. The Internet – The conversations. The debates. The advice. The answers. I honestly do not understand how our parents ever knew how to be parents without the internet. And adoptive parenting… well, all I can say is that speaking to AP’s, PAP’s, first moms and adoptees has all been invaluable.

6. Free will – Until you have seen how other countries operate, you really don’t have any clue what a blessing free will is and how fortunate we are to be able to exercise it.

7. Life - I wasn’t always thrilled to be here and at one time I never expected to live past 23. Dark days. Dark days. But it is possible to come out the other side and realize that you really are stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for.

And a multitude of other things that make life one crazy, tumultuous, exciting ride.

Oh and of course I am thankful people take the time to read my ramblings